Conflict Resolution

“Restorative Justice is a communal approach to prevent or respond to harm, with an emphasis on hearing, social support, and active accountability. Restorative Justice includes a variety of practices, with many rooted in Indigenous and religious traditions.

Some restorative practices help prevent harm by empowering people to build relationships and strengthen communities. Other practices respond to harm by helping t clearly identify harms, needs, solutions, and accountability through an inclusive and collaborative decision-making process.”1

Western Michigan University’s Restorative Process is a voluntary process available to those who take responsibility for causing harm and want to work to repair it. The person(s) who caused harm and those who have been harmed come together to gain greater understanding of the situation and resulting harm, identify what is needed to repair the harm and rebuild trust, and reach a mutually agreed upon outcome.

Some situations of harm involved behavior that is prohibited in the Student Code and some do not. Unlike traditional student conduct processes (hearing) that focus whether there is evidence of a policy violation and procedural fairness, restorative processes are focused on repairing harm. The goal is to work with all individuals (harmed person(s) and person(s) who caused harm) to come to a resolution that repairs the harm caused and/or rebuilds trust. Participants co-create a resolution. If a resolution cannot be reached via the restorative process, the situation can/will be resolved via the formal student conduct process (hearing).

Taking accountability, engaging in dialog about the harm that was caused, and co-creating an outcome to resolve the harm is brave and challenging work. Working with others, having difficult conversations, and problem solving are critical skills needed for individual success, positive relationships, and healthy communities.

1 Center for Restorative Justice (n.d.). Center for Restorative Justice. University of San Diego. https://www.sandiego.edu/soles/centers-and-institutes/restorative-justice

Conflict is normal

• Different people have different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. It’s normal for them to see the same situation differently or have different priorities.
• Conflict can be productive and functional:
  • We can gain new perspectives and find better solutions
  • We can cooperate with each other to achieve shared goals

Conflict Styles

Different people have different approaches to conflict. Find your conflict style with this short conflict styles assessment from Cornell University.

• Accommodating: This is when you cooperate to a high-degree, and it may be at your own expense, and actually work against your own goals, objectives, and desired outcomes. This approach is effective when the other party is the expert or has a better solution. It can also be effective for preserving future relations with the other party.
• Avoiding: This is when you simply avoid the issue. You aren’t helping the other party reach their goals, and you aren’t assertively pursuing your own. This works when the issue is trivial or when you have no chance of winning. It can also be effective when the issue would be very costly. It’s also very effective when the atmosphere is emotionally charged and you need to create some space. Sometimes issues will resolve themselves, but “hope is not a strategy,” and, in general, avoiding is not a good long-term strategy.
• Collaborating: This is where you partner or pair up with the other party to achieve both of your goals. This is how you break free of the “win-lose” paradigm and seek the “win-win.” This can be effective for complex scenarios where you need to find a novel solution. This can also mean re-framing the challenge to create a bigger space and room for everybody’s ideas. The downside is that it requires a high degree of trust and reaching a consensus can require a lot of time and effort to get everybody on board and to synthesize all the ideas.
• Competing: This is the “win-lose” approach. You act in a very assertive way to achieve your goals, without seeking to cooperate with the other party, and it may be at the expense of the other party. This approach may be appropriate for emergencies when time is of the essence, or when you need quick, decisive action, and people are aware of and support the approach.
• Compromising: This is the “lose-lose” scenario where neither party really achieves what they want. This requires a moderate level of assertiveness and cooperation. It may be appropriate for scenarios where you need a temporary solution, or where both sides have equally important goals. The trap is to fall into compromising as an easy way out, when collaborating would produce a better solution.

• Conflicts can be successfully resolved/managed.
• People with similar or different conflict styles can successfully resolve conflicts together.
• Conflict Management Basics:
  • Share to be understood, listen to understand.
    • Be open to seeing the situation in a new way.
    • Try to stay calm. If things get too heated – it may be helpful to take a short break to calm down
    • Listen without interrupting.
    • Share using “I” statements not “you” statements
  • Identify the needs of both parties (what do you want/need).
    • Explore the underlying reason for the need rather than just the thing you are seeking. Sometimes understanding the “why” behind the “what” can help people recognize shared interests and/or identify a creative solution.
  • Explore possible solutions and choose the best one.
    • Try to find more than one solution to avoid getting stuck on the first idea (which may not actually be the best idea).
  • Implement the solution.
  • Follow-up on the solution to review the effects of the solution.
    • Is the solution working well for both parties? Is an adjustment needed?
• When managing conflict don’t forget:
  • Relationships matter
    • You will likely continue to interact with the person you have conflict with. Their needs, your needs, and the relationship you two have are all important.
    • It’s important to take responsibility for your actions. If you hurt someone (even unintentionally) - acknowledge it and work to help repair the harm (what does the other person need to heal and move forward).
  • It’s okay to be different
    • Different people will have different perspectives and needs.
    • Resolving conflict doesn’t mean you need to agree about everything or see/do things the same way.
• These four behaviors interfere with conflict resolution and harm relationships – avoid them.
  • Criticism – attacking someone’s character
  • Defensiveness – protecting yourself by denying responsibility
  • Contempt – demeaning the other person
  • Stonewalling – withdrawing from the interaction and shutting down dialog.

What’s going on? Am I going to get involved?

• What is causing you to be concerned/upset?
  • What did you see, hear, experience, etc.?
  • Is this a one-time incident or a pattern of behavior?
  • What about this makes you concerned/upset, why?
• Are you going to address the concern?
  • What are the costs/benefits of addressing it, doing nothing, and/or getting help?
  • Do you care enough to address it?
  • Are you going to address it directly or get someone else involved to help address it?
  • If you’re not going to address it, what do you need to be able to accept it?

If you’re addressing it, Have the conversation.

• Prepare for the conversation.
  • Gather your thoughts.
    • Write down the facts (behavior/events without feelings, dates/times)
    • What’s your goal?
  • Prepare yourself
    • What do you need to stay calm?
    • What are your personal boundaries?
    • Why is this important to you?
    • Remember –
      • The only person whose actions/feelings you can control is you.
      • You can set/maintain boundaries for you.
      • You get to choose how you spend your time/energy.
  • Make a plan:
    • Find a time/place to talk without distraction
    • Ensure the time/place works for the other person too
• Have the conversation
  • Assume positive intent
    • People’s actions/motivation is rarely to make you upset.
    • Assume there’s a good reason for the behavior of concern/conflict.
  • Share to be understood
    • Focus on your experiences/needs (i.e., “I noticed that you’ve fallen asleep in class the last three weeks, I’m worried about you” not “you’re so lazy”)
      • I statements I feel ___, when you ___, because _____.
      • XYZ statements: When X happens, I feel Y, because Z.
  • Listen to understand
    • Ask open-ended questions with the intent to learn.
    • Focus on what the person is saying not how you want to respond.
    • People have lives/experiences that we don’t know about, be open to learning more about the person and their experience/perspective.
  • Check in to make sure you understand what they’re sharing
    • “It sounds like you’re really having a hard time, is that correct?”
    • Mirror back what they said (“I’m frustrated.” “You’re frustrated”) to confirm they spoke and you heard correctly
  • Explore needs/solutions:
    • What does the person need? What do you need?
      • What are the underlying/overarching needs rather than surface level needs?
      • Do you have areas of shared agreement you can build from?
      • Is there a way to meet everyone’s needs?
    • Are there resources that may be helpful?
      • What resources would be helpful for you/them?
      • Are you/them interested in utilizing the resources?
        • Yes – can you make a referral, appointment, introduction, or
          soft hand-off?
        • No – Now what? Are there things you can do to help? What
          does the person need/what are they willing to do?
    • Wrap up
      • Thank you for talking.
      • Summarize agreements/next steps.
      • Make a plan to check in.

After the conversation:

• Reflect
  • What went well? What could have gone better?
  • What did you learn?
  • What’s still needed?
• Debrief/Connect
  • Do you want/need to talk the conversation over with a third party/resources?
  • Do you want/need feedback/reassurance/support?
• Plan for next steps
  • What was agreed to?
  • What do you need to do now?
• Be kind to yourself
  • Addressing concerns/conflict can be uncomfortable. How can you care for yourself?
  • How do you move forward?
• Be kind to the other person.
  • Addressing concerns/conflict can be uncomfortable. What can you do to continue to have a positive (or neutral) relationship with the other person?
    • Smile/say hello when your paths cross
    • Initiate a neutral/positive conversation
    • Check in with them to see how they’re doing